2. Getting in touch with your needs
by Shantigarbha
Last issue (‘Be the change’ – Funky Raw issue 2) I said that Nonviolent Communication (NVC) has two aspects. It is the intention to connect, to go for the connection and let go of the outcome. And it is a powerful set of tools to help us do this. In this issue I’d like to explore how we get in touch with the basic human needs at the heart of the process.
To do this, if you’re willing, I’d like to try an experiment. (You might want to write some things down, so I suggest finding a pen and something to write on.)
Firstly, look out of the window (or around the room if there’s no window) and pick something you can see or hear. Now write down an observation about your object e.g. “I’m looking at a bush” or “I’m hearing birdsong” – something that a neutral observer or a video camera with sound would record. If you find yourself writing “It’s ugly” or “It’s beautiful”, ask yourself what you are actually seeing or hearing when you tell yourself this, and write that down (e.g. “I’m looking at the green leaves”.)
Next ask yourself “How do I feel when I am seeing (or hearing) this?” e.g. comfortable, uncomfortable, happy, sad etc. and write it down. If you’re finding it difficult to identify the feeling, ask yourself, “How does it feel in my body?” e.g. full, tense, relaxed, heavy, dull, light.
When you’ve got something down for a feeling, even if it’s a general ‘comfortable’ or ‘uncomfortable’, you’re ready to get in touch with the need.
To get to the need, ask yourself, “What’s causing this feeling?” or “What’s the need underneath this feeling?” NVC suggests that our feelings come from our needs – we have comfortable feelings when our needs are satisfied and uncomfortable ones when our needs are unsatisfied. So what’s the need underneath (or behind) how you feel when you see or hear this particular thing?
You might already be in touch with the need, in which case you might notice how the feeling has changed in some way. And you might still need some help to get in touch with it – in which case I suggest looking down the list of needs (‘Some basic needs we all have’).
If your feeling is comfortable, look down the list for a need that is being met by this particular object. If your feeling is uncomfortable, look for a need that is not met. And notice how the feeling changes when you find one that’s accurate – you might feel light or grounded or full or sad.
I suggest you give yourself a few minutes to do this part of the experiment. If you get in touch with several needs, write them all down. Move on to the next paragraph when you’re ready.
